Fight for pain
by Juud
Summary: Byakuya realizes that it hurts worse than expected, now that he has found new love. But on one of his night strolls, when he's able to organize his thoughts, he realizes that he is more lucky than he might have ever imagined.


**A/N:** BlueBrightness is a very very good friend of mine, and one day I decided to write her a fanfic about her favorite pairing, ByakuyaxRenji. Personally, I hate it, but hey. She's worth it :P

**Summary: **Byakuya realizes that it hurts worse than expected, now that he has found new love. But on one of his night strolls, when he's able to organize his thoughts, he realizes that he is more lucky than he might have ever imagined.

**Warning:** Spoilers if you haven't watched/completed the Soul Society-arc yet. Hisana is mentioned sometimes. If you don't like Yaoi or something that's an intent to Yaoi, then don't read.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or it's characters. YUI owns Rolling Star.

* * *

_Mou gaman bakka shiterannai yo  
Iitai koto wa iwana kucha_

The middle of the night was dark. A small breath of air lifted a couple of the fallen autumn-leaves to drop them again several feet away. Some crickets were heard, but those were all the sounds there were to fill the deep, heavy night. Lights were nowhere to be seen and the voices of people who went to bed late had already died away hours ago. The streets were empty and the cold would have been able cut your skin. However, there was one man who dared to break the peaceful silence. His dark hair was spread out over his handsome face. His quick pace rushed him through the dark streets. Only one thought was running through his mind repeatedly;

"I should not shed tears."

_Kaerimichi yuugure no basutei  
Ochikonda senaka ni bye bye bye_

"I should not shed tears."

The man loathed himself. He knew he was perfectly able to hide his feelings towards the outside world, but that didn't mean that he could stop the pain from coming. Shaking his head, he slowed down his fast pace and allowed himself some deep breaths while he let his mind run over the last few months. He had fallen in love again. The elders of his family seemed to think that this time it was even worse than when he had fallen in love with Hisana, a peasant from Rukongai. Byakuya's chest ached at the memory of his beloved late wife. She had always wanted him to be happy, she had told him two days before she passed away. _Always_, even if it would be without her. Would she still feel that way if she knew that her mourning husband had fallen in love with the best friend of her little sister?

_Kimi no fighting pose misenakya_

Added to this little fact, the red haired shinigami had been his vice-captain for several years now. He was ranked just below him, only to cause some of their problems too. But both men fought to be together. Fought hard, fought long. They fought the elders of Byakuya's family, fought their friends and fellow shinigami… they would fight until they would make it. And they did. They had won. But now, Byakuya wondered, was it okay to feel guilty about winning after you have put this amount of energy in a fight? Byakuya shook his head again. It was only whenever Renji was not around when he had such thoughts. In some way, Renji knew how to see when Byakuya felt miserable. Generally, Renji would kiss him and say that it was okay to miss her, but he shouldn't get stuck in it. She wouldn't want him to, either.

_**Yume ni made mita you na sekai wa  
Arasoi mo naku heiwa na nichijou  
Demo genjitsu wa hibi torabutte  
Tama ni kuyandari shiteru  
Sonna rolling days  
**_

_Koronjattatte ii ja nai no  
Son toki wa waratte ageru_

Renji was more mature than Byakuya had ever imagined. He had the ability to understand, he backed off when Byakuya needed time alone and he was there when the said Captain needed someone around. Renji could also say whenever Byakuya was lying about not wanting company. The Kuchiki could deny as much as he wanted, but secretly, he was thankful for Renji to stay with him. Renji had become a reason for Byakuya to smile again. A whole new reason, since the motivation to smile had vanished together with the already fading smile of Hisana.

Byakuya woke from his thoughts when he felt rain pouring down at his face. It was freezing cold, but he was in mental pain and he enjoyed the water to land on his heated face. It felt refreshing.

_Norikonda basu no oku kara  
Chiisaku hohoemi ga mieta_

Not wanting to head back to his mansion yet, Byakuya continued his stroll through Rukongai. He was just walking around the districts without walking through. He passed beautiful views of small hills, lawns, trees, and those eased him. The now soaked ground made it hard for him to walk straight; one wrong move and he'd slip. A fallen tree on one of the entrances to the thirty-first district got his attention. Finding that it would be nice to sit down a little, Byakuya walked towards it, only to find someone else having had the same idea. It was too dark to see if the man was someone from Rukongai or Seireitei, but Byakuya didn't bother to find out who it was. He needed time alone and whoever it was, the man would feel threatened by the noble, intimidating Shinigami-captain. As most people were. Thinking of a different idea to get alone, Byakuya turned around, only to stop in his tracks when he heard the man talk.

"Byakuya?"

_Kimi wo tayori ni shiteru yo_

It was him. The man who made Byakuya's heart beat twice as hard as normal. The man whom fought by his side, whether it was to friend or foe. Byakuya was shocked by the look in his eyes; they looked extremely tired. His hair wasn't in its regular tail, something Byakuya didn't mind. Didn't mind at all: it looked much better this way.

"Renji," he replied in a low voice.

Renji started to grin and stood up. He came close to Byakuya and gave him a small kiss on the jaw. He then looked down, seeing as Byakuya was an inch shorter than Renji was, and they locked each other's eyes in their own gaze.

"Thought you might not get to sleep. It took you a while to get here."

Byakuya sighed. So much for being alone. This wasn't that bad, though, for he preferred and actually enjoyed the presence of Renji.

"I could not get to sleep, indeed. Though I am surprised to see you here, Renji. I believed you were a good sleeper?"

Renji grinned.

"You came popping in my freaking mind, so it's your fault I couldn't sleep. Wanted to see ya."

_**Yume ni made mita you na sweet love  
Koibitotachi wa kakure ga wo sagasu no  
Demo genjitsu wa aenai hi ga  
Tsuzukinagara mo shinjiteru no lonely days  
**_

_Tsumazuitatte way to go  
Doro darake rolling star  
_

A lump formed in Byakuya's throat. He had heard those words before. In a less offensive way, though, but the words had meant the same.

_"I couldn't stop thinking about you, Byakuya-sama, I just needed to see you. I'm sorry if I woke you."_

Byakuya felt sick at once. His mind and heart were fighting for dominance, over each other and over Byakuya. He was very aware that he loved Renji, but it felt like betrayal to the one he had promised to be loyal to. He knew that he had to move on; it has been sixty years now! Was Renji a replacement? No. Byakuya pushed those thoughts away immediately, for nobody could ever replace Hisana. And nobody will ever be able to replace Renji.

"I am a failure," Byakuya thought aloud.

_Naru beku egao de itai keredo  
Mamori ni iku tame ni shikatanai deshou_

"No, you're no freaking failure," Renji said, hugging his arms around Byakuya's torso. Pulling himself closer to his lover, he noticed that the man was in pain. "Don't go hating yourself. I don't want you to get in the fake-phase of giving me names like 'honey lip' or 'hotty'."

When he didn't get any response, neither spoken nor body language, Renji sighed. "Fine. I'll leave you alone with your thoughts. I've seen you now, should be able to get to sleep. You should, too."

Still no response.

"Love you."

_Kitto uso nante sou  
Imi wo motanai no  
All my loving  
Sou ja nakya yatterannai_

These were the decisive words to Byakuya. He knew had had to say something, but the lump in his throat was annoying him badly. He didn't trust his own voice and he didn't dare to speak. His instinct told him to do something. Anything. So he turned around to see Renji walk off and he seized his hand. Byakuya put himself against the red-haired shinigami's body and kissed him, like he had never kissed him before. Yes, he loved Renji. Yes, he had to get over Hisana. Yes, she wanted him to be happy. Yes, even if it couldn't be with her. As the kiss continued, the heat between the men raised. Their hands were found all over each other; on the jaw, head, back, arms, chest and neck. They broke apart for some air, enjoying what just happened.

_**Yume ni made mita you na sekai wa  
Arasoi mo naku heiwa na nichijou  
Demo genjitsu wa hibi torabutte  
Tama ni kuyandari shiteru  
Sonna rolling days**_

_Sou wakatterutte  
Tsumazuitatte_

_Way to go  
Doro darake rolling star__**  
**_

"I love you too, Renji. Thank you."

Once more Renji started to grin. He placed his lips softly against Byakuya's and then pulled back, lips only half an inch parted. "Let's both fight away your pain."

And that night, they did. As Byakuya watched over the naked body next to his, he knew that he would love Renji for being patient with him and understanding him.

He realized that he was lucky for someone to love him.

* * *

**A/N:** I kind of like the result. I thought it was really hard to write about two men in love, but I didn't mind, actually! So what did you think?


End file.
